Retired

It's all over...I have lost my ability to have faith or dream. I have been laying everything I've got into this stuff, with nothing to show for it. It was when I watched my little girl's movie turn off right in front of her as our power got shut off for non payment. I sacrificed everything to become "somebody" to all of you out there. People say to NOT care what others think about you. To NOT do things for the win or the resulting "glory". I was told to "find something that I love, and do that no matter what". That's the problem...I CARE what YOU think. It doesn't matter who's reading this. I don't care if it's 10 years from when I posted it and you have no clue who I am at the time. I CARE...A LOT!! I LOVED winning races and walking around afterward where people thought that you had something to offer. That is what I loved. I completely and whole heartedly consumed myself with impressing those around me, and NOBODY enjoyed bringing that to life more than myself. There's no support out there for dreamers like myself. People want those that have already made it. They are already there!! Did you know that to qualify to live in the Olympic Training Center you have to have run the Olympic "A" standard in your event for track and field?? That means that only 4 or 5 Americans can possibly qualify!! Those top 4 or 5 ALREADY have deals that is worth WELL over what the OTC is offering!!! So you say, "well, you took your shot. Now retire and get a job like the rest of us". There's just one problem...I'm not like the rest!!! I am hardwired to go all out. I KNOW what it takes to make it. I have trained that hard, I have the genetics, I have the drive, but I also have a family that depends on me to show up every day and make a go of it. Without something to shoot for, what the hell am I supposed to do?? I have a fucking 80 VO2 Max, can do pullups all day, swim, run, bike, trails, hills, mountains, track, tri's, du's, crits, time trials, whatever!! I've got a Psychology degree, have modeled for magazines, print ads, and for $175/hr, but they won't even take me in the fucking Army because I got speeding tickets that didn't get paid because I CAN'T GET A JOB!! As a family we made 25k last year! And that was literally twice what it was the year before! I'm sorry to those of you looking for some kind of motivation in this, but it's all bullshit. I've lost my dreams, my faith, and if something doesn't change I'm going to lose all I have left which is my loving, beautiful wife and my adorable daughter. (Not to mention the one we have on the way) Good night, and good luck. -Yorek